12 Simple Principles for Raising Kids, From a Father of Four
Time with children doesn’t have to be painful
One of my favorite parts of working from home right now is that I spend way more time with my kids.
But with that joy comes a problem: I am spending way more time with my kids.
Just last night, I gave two of our young children a bath. Normally, my wife does bath time, because, well — she’s just better at it. My wife can get four kids clean in 15 minutes. After 20 minutes under my watch, one child was screaming and a fist-fight was about to break out in the tub.
Fortunately, I have a great partner who is responsible and shares in the joy (and problems).
Even though being a parent is challenging, it can also be the best part of life. Yet if anyone claims to be an expert at raising children, you probably shouldn’t believe them. Not because they aren’t an expert — but because no one is.
Even though that’s true, my wife and I have developed some principles that we’re using with our children. We’re not perfect — well, at least I’m not — but we want to share how we think and act with our kids.
1. Clear Lines for Right and Wrong
My kids still remember the day when I took them to the store, bought groceries, went back out to the car, put everyone in seat-belts and car seats, and then discovered that someone had taken something without paying. I knew it was going to be a 20-minute detour, but I had to teach a lesson.
Our integrity as a family would not have a price tag attached to it. We went back into the store and returned the item.
It was painful. I had to get everyone unbuckled, taking two kids out of car seats, and another from a booster seat. It took longer than I thought it would take. It was embarrassing, for the kids but even more for me. Yet embarrassment was a price I was willing to pay. And it was clearly the right thing to do.
There have to be clear lines about right and wrong. Certain things can be done, and certain things cannot. There are right ways to treat people. There are wrong ways as well. The lines have to be clear, and we can’t waver.
2. Always Know Why, and the Only Three Purposes of Parents
Kids love to ask, “Why?” Even though children might not always say it, they almost always think it.
For every action that we take, we try to know why we are doing it.
The ability to explain why something is right is just as important as knowing what’s right. Otherwise, rules seem arbitrary — even if they are not. And if you can’t explain why something is wrong, then maybe it shouldn’t be wrong.
We filter every parental decision through three purposes. We are either trying to protect our children, teach them, or love them. If one of the kids asks “why”, the answer is always going to be one of those three.
Teach. Protect. Or love.
If I can’t fit my actions as a parent into one of those purposes, I need to rethink what I’m doing.
3. Never Lie, But Also Don’t Say Too Much
“Is Santa Claus real?”
That’s the question I dreaded to answer for years.
I dreaded answering the question because I never wanted to even tell the kids about Santa Claus. My wife thinks stories like Santa are magical for kids. Years ago, I disagreed. I didn’t want to tell the kids something that isn’t true, because then the kids would think that some of the things we told them aren’t true. It might be hard to tell the difference as they get older.
My wife’s way of thinking won. But I still had to answer the question.
I think I answered admirably. Because I didn’t lie, but I also didn’t say too much.
Kids need to know that you are telling them the truth. But they also don’t need to know every single detail about why something is true.
Some conversations are hard, though. I prepped for days before I told my oldest how babies are made. It took me less than five minutes. I told him the truth, but I didn’t share every detail. I wanted to make it clear that I was being truthful, and leave room for him to discover more, with me by his side. And then I wanted to change the subject — fast.
4. Treat All People Like People
We have a simple rule: treat all people like people.
Don’t treat a person as an object in your way. A person is not a tool that you can use.
Each person has worth and value, and has hopes, dreams, feelings, struggles, and purpose.
Don’t make fun of someone or be a bully. Don’t say anything about a person that you wouldn’t say to them directly.
Treat people better than you want to be treated.
Treat people like people. Not like objects.
5. Go Deep on Interests
“Why does our son play so many video games?”
My wife was wondering.
“Maybe because I did?” I answered, but I knew that wasn’t a good answer.
Something about the games fascinated our son. Something made him obsessive about them.
As parents, we try to look for the interests that our kids have, and then go deep on those interests. Let’s teach our kids how to become obsessed with something so much, that they don’t just like it — they love it.
There are so many stories of kids who are fascinated by something that later grow up and turn that fascination into a career.
My kids love to watch movies. So let’s see how movies are made — and make our own.
One kid loves building stuff. So let’s watch a story about Disney’s Imagineers.
Another kid loves books. So let’s write a book together (which is happening).
Each child is different. And some of the interests are not close to our own. But we still search for the interests of our kids. Then we go deeper. We lean in to what fascinates them.
That’s our responsibility as parents.
6. No Threats Without Consistent Consequences
“I like when dad watches us. He says he is going to take something away if we don’t behave, but then he never does it.”
When I overheard my kids saying this, my heart broke. What kind of dad was I?
Discipline for parents is hard. It might be simple to say “no” a single time — but often holding firm is the difficult part.
But we have to do it.
My wife taught me this.
First, you can’t make a threat without consequences. If I threaten losing dessert if bad behavior continues, I need to follow through and cut the dessert if behavior doesn’t improve. Making an idle threat can be a sign of weakness. And kids detect weakness quickly.
My wife makes me laugh every time when she says “no” and then responds with her line “I don’t negotiate with terrorists” as one of the kids refuses to follow through. She can’t negotiate with someone who refuses to compromise and be reasonable.
Kids need to know that you are going to follow through consistently, as well. Consistent consequences create trust and discipline.
7. Protect the One Who Disciplines
When my wife punishes my son by saying he can’t watch his favorite movie for the rest of the day, it can be painful.
Painful, because it’s my favorite movie, too. I wanted to watch it with him.
But she’s right. Consistent consequences matter. But her and I need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. I can’t undermine what she is trying to do. It’s not just her, either. When a coach, teacher, and other adult disciplines one of our kids, we need to make sure that we avoid undermining authority that we respect.
8. Routines Provide Comfort
My wife used to leave our house at 6 am to get to work. I was left alone to get three kids out of the house and to the bus stop and daycare. I never missed the bus.
Except one time.
We were about 20 seconds too late. My son broke down and cried. He didn’t stop crying for what seemed like 20 hours.
When kids have a routine that occurs without hiccups, they feel safe. They feel secure. They are comfortable. If the routine abruptly changes, they can feel disoriented.
We’ve learned to create routines so that our children feel safe and comfortable. More importantly, they can learn to function without us.
9. Most Bad Behavior Comes From Lack of Attention
“Daddy, play with me,” says our two-year old. She wants attention. But I’m working. So is my wife.
“Jemma, give me a few minutes to finish, okay?”
“Okay,” she says in her cute kid voice.
Ten minutes later, a library book is destroyed, crayons are melted to the floor, and Jemma is fighting with her two sisters.
What happened?
Sure, Jemma needed some discipline and probably some consequences. But I’ve observed that kids need attention more than anything else. They want to spend time with you. And when they can’t, sometimes we are left to clean up the mess.
10. Show Them What You Love About Life
“Teachers should be masters at the art of living.”
One of my music professors included that quote in his email signature. I saw it weekly for three years in college. But I also experienced this professor’s love for life.
When he heard a great joke, he shared with us. When he was happy, we knew about it. When he loved something, he passionately told us about it.
There are different ways to do this with our kids. I love to watch my favorite movies with my kids — movies they would never watch on their own. Some of my favorite memories of my uncles and grandfather are sitting on their couch watching old movies. Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Back to the Future. The memories stick with me because I remember their passion. But it’s more than just stories. It’s our favorite people, our family traditions, and the unique parts of our lives that bring us joy.
If I don’t show my kids what I love about life, how will they ever learn what makes life great?
11. Make Decisions With a Generational Vision
One of the most amazing memories I have is hearing my grandfather share about his life a few years before he died. Our family had a reunion, and he took the opportunity to share words from his heart. He spoke English as a second language, but not always well as he got older. War was imminent where he lived, and he needed to move to a country where his children could live in peace and safety. He made a decision to leave the country of his birth because he wanted to live in a place where his children could flourish.
He had a vision for his family that extended beyond his own life. In some ways, he experienced the benefits of leaving the danger of his homeland. His children had children, and he lived to see many of them. But in other ways, he did not get to see the complete results of his decision to leave his country. He missed seeing his children raise their own families, and benefit from his sacrifice. His vision to leave his country was not just for him. He had a vision for his family that extended beyond his own life — it affected the next generation.
When you are raising children, it can be easy to get into survival mode. Just make it through today. Just make it through this week. Just get to the end of the month. It can be hard to have a vision for what life could look like at the end of the tunnel of changing diapers or the teenage years. But when you are raising children, you have the opportunity to make plans that last even longer than you.
When you raise kids, you make decisions that affect not just your life, but the lives of people who will live long after you are gone. My wife and I aim to have a generational vision that directs how we raise our children.
12. Don’t Hold Them to a Standard That You Don’t Follow
No one will follow you if you don’t follow your own rules — especially kids.
The easy part of parenting is saying the right things. The hard part is doing the right things.
Kids learn to detect hypocrisy at a young age. And all it takes to understand fairness is the ability to count.
If you want kids who tell the truth, you need to tell the truth to them.
If you want kids who chase their dreams, then you need to chase yours.
If you want to raise amazing kids, you need to strive to be amazing.
Not Just For Kids
These principles are not just for my children. I think of them anytime I need to lead people. We’re either the teacher or the student. There’s not much in between.
Frederick Douglass once wrote, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
He was right.
Yet we’re all kids, trying to learn, live, and figure things out.
. . .
Learn the one lesson that has changed my life more than any other.